I've discussed my breastfeeding woes before on this blog, and in response got the much needed support to keep trying; But for many reasons, I've decided to wean Evan from the breast. Well, actually, the process is complete, prompting me to reflect on my (our) experience.
Once I became pregnant with Evan, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. There wasn't any doubt about it. And despite what I read about problems some women experience with breastfeeding, I just assumed I'd be ok. So when I initially had trouble, it really was depressing, and I felt like a failure. Maybe because we had such a hard time getting pregnant in the first place, I felt as if breastfeeding was just another "natural" thing I couldn't do naturally. Like there was something wrong with me as a woman.
Just so no one assumes I'm weaning Evan because of those problems, let me assure you that things actually turned out fine. In fact, the more I tried to cut down on the nursing, the more I realized that there probably never was a supply issue to begin with. Instead, there was a confidence issue brought on by Evan's slow weight gain (which I felt better about once I got a hold of the WHO growth charts based on breastfed babies). And, to get a little technical, I think the slow weight gain was due to oversupply and a foremilk/hindmilk issue. I started to suspect this a while back, and became sure when I went for my last breast massage session with the midwife. Just when I thought my supply was dwindling (especially because I wasn't as plagued with plugged ducts as I had been earlier), she said that I was in the best shape breastfeeding-wise than I had been in the five months I'd been seeing her. Apparently I had finally adjusted to Evan's milk needs.
So then why quit now? Well, that's a complicated story I won't go into here (that's a first!!). But having decided to wean, the process has been making me a little sad. I'm sure a part of it has to do with hormonal changes, but every day I feel like I'm letting go of a special bond to Evan. Of course, non-breastfeeding moms (and dads) do just fine connecting to their babies, and even breastfeeding moms eventually wean their babies. But 6 months just seems so young...Every time I see a mom breastfeeding her baby, I get all teary.
And what about Evan? Well he's adjusting just fine. I suppose he has less of an attachment to nursing than he might have had later.
Anyway, as I started to sense that we may be into our last week of nursing I decided I'd like to have some pictures taken. The picture above is the most blog-appropriate one (not that I really think any of the other ones are inappropriate...). But after we took that picture, one day passed without nursing, then two, then three, and then I realized that we had reached the end.
I called the midwife to schedule an appointment to express the remaining milk, and went there a few days ago. It was about two weeks after the last time I nursed, but I was still producing milk; lots of it. We laughed that I ever thought I had a supply issue. For a second (or two), I thought about changing my mind.
Of course, I won't, especially because Evan has finally started to drink (formula) well, and is growing steadily. But I do know that despite how stressful it all was, I'm glad I gave breastfeeding my best shot. And, should we be blessed with another baby, I know I'd do it all over again (and if possible until the child weans her/himself).
The midwife and I even talked about a "game plan" to help get me off to the right start the next time around, but that's for another post (or not...maybe I'll just keep that to myself.)
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