Thanks (again) for your support. Please forgive me for using this blog to shamelessly fish for supportive comments. Not that Ko-chan doesn't do his best to be supportive himself, but I still feel quite isolated and alone sometimes. A lot of times.
I do think a lot of what's going on with Evan has to do with the stress I'm under. Especially in regard to nursing...it's ironic, really, because for about a month after I went to see the midwife, when I was breastfeeding close to 100%, things were more or less fine. Evan was still a handful (I think he's just a sensitive little guy), but not unmanageably so. And then he stopped gaining weight (more than the slowdown that babies go through around this time) and he didn't grow much in length. So, being the paranoid type that I am, I started trying to supplement again, only to find Evan becoming increasingly resistant and angry. Then every feeding started to be a battle.
The stress I think also has affected what turned out to be a decent milk supply. Now, my supply is dwindling for sure. The problem is made worse by Evan having picked up some bad habits from bottlefeeding. But I'll keep trying, and if we can get back to 100% breastfeeding, that would be wonderful. Goodness knows it's about the only time I feel at peace with the baby.
The other day when Ko-chan and I were discussing our recent difficulties, he said that I had unreasonably high expectations of myself as a mother. He may be right. I mean, I do think that I am far from adequate, more than I let on in this blog, but I probably am putting too much pressure on myself to be the kind of mother I'd always dreamed of becoming, but feared I could never be.
I think it has to do with being a child of divorce and having spent a lot of my childhood lonely. I swore to myself that when I grew up and had my own children, they would never feel the way I did. In my teen years, as I became aware of my personality defects, I decided I had too many hang ups to be a good mother.
Fast forward 20 years (has it really been that long!?) and I'm confronted daily with evidence that I'm not the ideal mother I'd hoped to be, or even close. And I don't quite know where to go from here. I'm a sore loser by nature (one of those personality defects), and as strange as it seems to compare childraising to a game, I feel like I've lost. And, well, I've never been good at keeping at a game I feel I've already lost. Too much pride and all that.
The trouble is there's something more at stake than my pride...Evan. As much as his inconsolable crying irritates and drains me, I know deep down that it's not his fault; after all, he's just a baby. So what to do? If I were in the states, I would consider getting some counseling to deal with my issues, but somehow I don't think mental health care around here is that great.
The only therapy I have is this blog. Maybe I ought to start one specifically for my mental health. Maybe not.
Actually, I'll be going to the midwife again tomorrow and while she can't help me with my mental issues, she does give parenting advice. I've spent two hours writing this post and it's way past my bedtime, so I'd better get to bed.
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